Damned if I Know!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Falling Down

I don’t really remember when things went so terribly wrong. There are several days that are nothing more than a blur, aside from what I’ve been told by the people who came to my aid. I know I went to work and tried to accomplish something, but most days I spent using every bit of strength I had to not burst into tears. I know I left early one day because I knew I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. I remember that because it was the same day the police came to my house. They had been called by my friends Jenn and Allison. They were afraid I was going to commit suicide. I don’t remember talking to either one of them, let alone mentioning suicide before the cops arrived. But, they said we talked for an hour.

I don’t think I could actually go through with killing myself, because I’m too much of a coward. Still, the police and EMS insisted that someone stay with me, or I would have to go to the hospital for observation. Allison stayed, because Jen had to go to work. We talked for a long time and I was finally able to go to sleep for a while. I do remember her holding me while I cried.

My PDoc called the next morning. I hadn’t been to see her in almost a year. She insisted I come in for an hour, despite my protests. It was actually a good thing I did. She called my Doctor and had him up my meds and within a couple of days I was at least functioning. Not well, but I was able to go back to work. I seem to have leveled off a bit and the crying hasn’t been out of control for the last week.

I debated whether I wanted to come back here at all, but decided I should, at least on a limited basis. One of the things my PDoc pointed out was how I have cut myself off from my friends, family and her. I know I came to use this space as my connection to the world, because it was easier than being with people face to face. That has to change. I know that this cannot be my sole social outlet. But, there are too many people here I’ve come to love, to just walk away.

I started blogging over at Crapster because I wanted to find out if people would accept me. For the most part, they did. I got a few bigoted responses, but I just deleted them and kept going. But somewhere along the way I came to depend on my blog friends like a family. People would call and I just made excuses why I couldn't go to functions, or they couldn’t stop by. I have basically cut myself off for the last eight or nine months. I did go to a function earlier this year, but I remember being very uncomfortable and I was among the first to leave.

My PDoc has set me up with a Social Worker who calls every day or so, if I don’t contact her. She understands my situation and is willing to spend time on the phone with me, because she knows I can’t afford to see my PDoc every week. Allison has made sure that someone calls me every evening, just to check on me and chat for a few minutes.

So, my new mantra is one borrowed from AA. . . One Day At A Time. . .

Peace and Love. . .

Posted by Lauren :: 4:55 PM :: 16 comments