Saturday, December 10, 2005

My Letter To The Big Guy

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very manipulative little TV watcher. I have compulsively cheated, and I have rarely helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of age-inappropriate pants this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring Valium. For my daddy, please bring a new dead-end job. For my little sister, please bring a diaphragm. For my hampster, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my cleaning lady, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants beer coozies, and front row tickets to Britney Spears – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.

Yours,

Lauren

PS: Please say hello to Mrs. Claus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Martha Stewart? She has been a really corrupt cry-baby all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put dog shit in their stocking.

PPPS: One last thing. . . Please bring Soonerfan78 some new meds. . . 'Cause that boy aint right!!!!

Thanks!
Posted by Lauren :: 5:12 AM :: 3 comments

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